If you’re just like me, you probably saw today’s announcement that ToughPigs will be offering NFTs and said, “do I get a cut of that?” I’ll keep this short: the answer is that it’s extremely unlikely. As much as we appreciate our readers, 99.4% of you aren’t part of the proverbial sausage grinder that keeps churning out articles about Muppets day after day. You don’t have to do anything but read, and you keep getting rewarded with new pieces to enjoy, free of charge.

Meanwhile, I’ve racked my brain for new thoughts on A Muppet Family Christmas so much that my doctor says I’ve developed a condition called “mental icy patch,” and the best I’ve gotten is an empty cigar box and whatever drawings Becca gives me for playing Hubba-Wha?

But if you’re only sort of like me, the next thought you had was “Just what the heck is an NFT?” Even after reading Becca’s article about the value of ToughPigs NFTs, I wasn’t quite clear on the subject. But you needn’t worry your head about such things, because here at ToughPigs, we’re committed to giving you the truth about things you ought to know about, like Mo Frackle. So after countless minutes of research, I can explain everything regarding NFTs.

1. What does NFT stand for?

NFT stands for “Neat Fozzie Tie.” Isn’t it so stylish, with its snow white base, playful pink spots and rosy accents? Why he wastes his time as a comedian is beyond me, because this bear is ready for the runway and a career as a high fashion model. All he has to do is look out for irresponsible parasites, and he should be bound for the catwalks of Milan in no time.

2. That doesn’t sound right.

Well, who’s the researcher here? It says right here in my notes — “NFT: Non-Fung…” You know what, let me start again.

1. What does NFT stand for?

NFT stands for “Non-Fungible Token.” Let’s break this down. Now “non” is the French word for “no,” indicating that it means “not.” Fungible of course refers to the Funj Sultanate, which occupied parts of current-day Sudan, Eritrea and Ethiopia from 1504 to 1821.

And the Tokens are a doo-wop group that have been entertaining audiences since the late 1950s. Put it all together, and you’ll find that none of the Tokens are not from the Funj Sultanate. Not Neil Sedaka, not Jay Siegel, none of them.

2. Doo-wop? African sultanates? Why is everyone up in arms about that?

I don’t know, people are funny like that. Remember when everyone lost their minds about teenagers wearing punk outfits on Sesame Street? That was weird.

3. But what does it have to do with computers?

Good point. Do you want to take over this article? That’s not a threat, I’m genuinely asking.

Anyway, back in the far-off year of 2014, some doo-wop fans on the internet decided to celebrate the non-Funj heritage of their favorite group by creating images of bored apes. Why they picked apes over lions, considering the Tokens’ biggest hit was “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” I’ll never know. To make them extra special, they created a digital ledger of who owned what image and put it on a blockchain.

4. Wait, what’s a blockchain?

A “blockchain” refers to Blockbuster, which was a chain of video rental stores that dotted the landscape from 1985 to 2014. It’s significant to Muppet fans because when they liquidated the stores, you could buy a used DVD of Kermit’s Swamp Years for 99 cents, which meant you were still getting ripped off.

5. What makes the blockchain valuable?

Nostalgia! Gen Xers and millennials are super nostalgic for Blockbuster, and whether it’s apparel or party games, they’ll sink any free money they have into any merchandise for it, and frankly, with the state of the economy, it’s probably a safer investment than putting money into some banks. At least Blockbuster stopped charging late fees.

6. How do NFTs connect to the blockchain?

Why, the internet of course! The Gen Xers and millennials share their nostalgia on the internet, which is made up of servers. In addition to images of Blockbuster membership cards, the servers also have the ledger of who owns what image. Naturally, everybody wanted to have some skin in the game, so they expanded it from just pictures of the Tokens to stuff like images of baseball cards, Swedish philosopher Torvald Aprilskämt, and eventually, Cookie Monster.

7. What makes each NFT unique?

To differentiate these images, they add distinguishing details, like a different baseball cap, Aprilskämt’s pet herring, or Gonger.

8. How do you make money off of NFTs?

NFTs have value if you believe they have value. It’s like fairies or capitalism. You buy an NFT, for say, $312.28. Then, eventually the run ends, and rubes, I mean, people, start to feel like they missed out. Then you can sell them your NFT for $313.28, and you made a buck on something they could’ve right-clicked and saved to their own hard drive!

9. Some folks say NFTs are bad for the environment. Why is that?

Now we get to the somber portion of this piece. The servers that these blockchains are stored on are run by Prankor, an ancient demon responsible for all the bad stuff sold on the internet. T-shirts with Muppet fan art that isn’t approved by the artist? 100% Prankor. Their motto is “I Sell Sins” for a reason. To appease Prankor, the servers with the blockchains constantly require energy to keep running. They’re currently down to burning about an acre of virgin forest a day, but we’re hoping the nicotine patches help them quit altogether.

10. So should I buy NFTs or not?

Only if they’re genuine ToughPigs NFTs! Now that you know all about them, we want you to be able to buy with confidence. Then maybe I’ll get something out of writing all those Sesame Street special reviews.

Click here to go Funj yourself on the ToughPigs forum!

by Matthew Soberman – Matthew@ToughPigs.com

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This content was originally published here.